My wife 37f and I 35m met 10 years ago. We dated for 3 years before we got engaged for 1 year. We have 3 year old twin girls. I can say we have a great marriage. Last week her brothers and and sisters and their spouses came to visit. It had been long since we saw them and the slightest chance they got they came to see us. Honestly we had a good time catching up.
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We talked and chatted about different topics. Then the topic of infidelity came up. Her cousin had been cheated on by his wife and we were talking how the guy was suffering and how horrible it is for him and how infidelity affects the BS and etc. As the conversation was going on, I noticed my wife seemed distractedlike she was trying to forget some suppressed memories. She seemed not wanting to be involved in the conversation. And she kept excusing her self to get more drinks, to go to the bathroom, to check on the kids and etc. After my in-laws left.
I confronted her. And that's when she told me that she has something to tell me. She sat me down and warned me what I was about to hear was going to be hurtful. She then went ahead to tell me that she had sex with her boss several times 2 months before our wedding and 3 weeks before I came back from a work trip abroad. She said before I left for my trip, we were not on good terms. That's true one week before the trip we had had one huge argument which turned into a small fight. And at some point I had started withdrawing emotionally. Then this guy came and pushed the right buttons and worked his way into my then fiance's pants.
She vented to him about the struggles in our relationship and he was there to support her emotionally.
I can remember this time that the calls and the video chats had reduced. And when we talked it didn't last long as before but I didn't much into it. They hooked up at his placeand even at our apartment and on our bed.
Wife confessed to sleeping with best man at wedding.
This guy was married and he had 3 kids and was about 20 years old than my wife. She told me that their affair lasted 6 weeks out of the 4 months I was away for work. Then when she caught this guy was also sleeping with other women she ended it.
And that's when she realized she had been played by this guy. She felt ashamed and hated herself that she had fallen for a player.
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A few days after she had ended her affair she discovered she was pregnant. She knew the AP would not support her and if I discovered that she was pregnant I would leave her and her family would disown her, especially her father. So she decided to terminate the pregnancy. I remember her calling me crying and confessing her love for me and asking me whether I will ever leave her.
Then she started blowing up my phone with love messages wife me she couldn't wait to see me and everything. Before she finished her confessionboth of us werein tears. But rage and anger were eating me from inside and I was trying really hard not to tell or break anything. She then went ahead to swear that she has never cheated on me during our marriage and that she has always wanted to confess but didn't know how to do that.
She said that when the conversation of her cousins cheated up all the guilt came back in full force and hit her hard. That the memories she had tried to suppress were eating her up. I don't know what to do, I love my wife very much,and I can I say that I have been happily married for those six years and I don't want to lose anything right now.
Not my girls, not my wifenot my house. But I don't know how to get over this. It has been two days since her confession and honestly the only thing that keeps me moving is my two daughters. I trying to be strong for them but I feel like losing my mind and going insane. Everything seems fake and like a lie. I have been sleeping in my car confessed though we have a spare bedroom. And I have started smoking again.
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And am trying to avoid my wife and as much as possible and ignoring anything that comes out of her mouth. I can't even look at her in the eyes. Am lost So, she ended it only after she realised that she was only one of his girlfriends, meaning up until then, she thought that this would be a better option for her, rather than staying with you.
After she realised what a mistake she made, she returned back to safety, to you.
All that being said, she does seem to have matured since and realised that what she has with you is good and she invested much into your marriage, right? On the other hand, the trust has been broken between you two and that is very hard, if not impossible to get over. Usually, if a relationship does not work, there are good reasons for that.
Going back to that person, without those reasons being resolved, will lead to more problems.
Look into the issues you had when she was sleeping with this other guy and if those issues are still there, you will have your answer. If you feel like the marriage is worth saving, you will have a hard road in front of you. And you still might decide at one point that is is not worth it and end it.
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I am really sorry you are in this situation. I agree with your first point. She was definitely willing to leave if she had the option and she'll do the same when she has a better option. Also really sad that that was her main cause of shame and regret, "being played by AP". She didn't feel remorse or hatred towards herself for being unfaithful to her fiance. That really shows where her thoughts and feelings were towards OP and how she really didn't consider their future, especially being so close to their wedding.
And at some point I had started withdrawing emotionally". Well, we know what the issue is. He withdraws emotionally when there's an argument. He's still doing it now. I'm not condoning her actions at all. She was very much wrong for not ending it. If it's a deal breaker for which it sounds like it is she should have walked rather than clung to the first guy who "pushed the right buttons".
I'm not really sure if these two can work it out. It's possible but he's pretty set in his ways i. She can go forward and not make that mistake again, however, it's pretty huge mistake to forgive.
She got her catharsis by confessing, but Now you need time to process this. Only you can answer this question and you need some serious soul searching in order to do it. This, well said. If you choose to move forward together then you must really let it go. Kids pick up on way more than given credit for, and if you harbor resentment towards your wife it will eventually manifest and create reciprocal reactions from your wife.
I wouldn't leave her alone for a week, she might fuck the neighbor. There are a few things you need to do as soon as you possibly can. The first one is to speak to a lawyer to get an idea of what a divorce will look like. This is not to say that you are going to file, but you need to get your head clear and straight about what it involves.
The second one is a separation from your wife. The next thing you need to consider, and I know that this gets bandied around here a bit, but you need to speak to someone professionally to help you walk through this.
You can not and should not rely on what is going through your head about this. You can and will drive yourself nuts over thinking this. If you can't find a therapist or an individual counselor, see if you can reach out to a family member or a friend to help you.
You need that avenue to vent and it can't be your wife.
Ask a therapist: how can i trust my wife again after she cheated?
As an aside, you need support and you need it bad and whilst you are going to try and protect your reputations, disclosure of something like this to others is necessary. You can not and must not suffer through this in silence. You have a lot of thinking to do my friend, a lot. I and no one else here is going to envy you for your position and this is going to be the hardest thing that you have ever or will ever have to face. So where possible, think before you act, think before you speak and try and take things as rationally as you can.