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The first time, I am with my husband.
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We take our 1-year-old daughter to the supermarket, as we so often do, in the expensive City Mini Jogger stroller we were gifted before her birth. I hide a dark, ripe avocado in the black mesh basket underneath her seat. We check out and pay for the rest of our items. We have just moved back to California after four years of bitter-cold, endless New York winters.
We are both out-of-work writers looking for new teaching positions, and the meager amount of money we saved for the move is running out. Before my pregnancy, this kind of control was something I exercised on myself. I obsessed over every ingredient in my food, over preservatives and packaging, over the dark mystery of restaurant meals.
Kleptomania and a mother's love: the five-finger discount is my personal rebellion against inequality
When I was pregnant, I felt validated, and consumer culture emboldened me. Everyone wants pregnant mothers to eat well. After I gave birth, and once the project of breastfeeding normalized, I shifted the obsessive disorder onto my daughter, and it became part of my parenting philosophy. She ate as though we had the money to eat this way. My husband and I made sacrifices with our own meals. I often yelled at him for overeating; we needed the extra money for her, and had no fiscal room for indulgences.
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Because of the low cost of living in upstate New York, we had the privilege of feeling somewhat comfortable in these draining financial decisions, even though we were both struggling graduate students. The avocado was my revenge on consumerism, on the structure of money at large, on a world that places a hierarchy on health.
My small triumph over the machine of access. And so I continued taking my daughter to the store in her stroller. Eventually I shared my plans with my husband, and though he refused to explicitly endorse or participate in my outlaw behavior, his smug smirks as we rolled out of the supermarket assured me that he supported my efforts. Though Freud was generally mute on the subject of kleptomania, Wilhelm Stekel, one of his followers, wrote extensively on the subject. As with most of psychoanalytic thought, for Stekel, kleptomania had a sexual root. In his work on the subject Stekel argues that kleptomania is a form of sexual gratification for those women who feel otherwise repressed.
From my perspective, stealing is also an attempt to rewrite or get outside those laws that create a sense of normalcy in society. A society that allows certain children access to the healthiest foods, that underpays and therefore undermines the work of certain people, and that holds competition and economic inequality as givens, rather than culturally constructed ways of life.
It comes over me when I think about the endless turnover of paper, the endless struggle we all undergo every day, just to get dinner on the table. Maxx I pay for the board book for my daughter, but I smuggle out a scented candle and a packet of detoxifying facial cleansing wipes. Self-care for the revolution.
I prepare a reasonable excuse should anyone point out my unpaid items — always, I plan to use my daughter in my defense. I was in labor for 46 hours.
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The distracted nature of motherhood, the never-ending worry, and the constant efforts to ward off an unexpected toddler meltdown. I need these two small objects of peace! I owe no one here anything, but the world of consumerism owes me my life. When the transaction is complete, I feel I am colluding with the Target employee.
Target will never notice the difference, and that is the guiding philosophy.
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It overwhelms me with frustration. A few months after the move, my husband lands a job at a corporate education company. I am finishing my PhD dissertation, working toward a degree that no longer promises much in terms of job opportunity and security, and I am working part-time for a relative.
Always the workaholic writer, I never intended to be somewhat of a stay-at-home mother, yet I find myself suddenly in charge of procuring all the goods around the house — food, clothing, home goods. Much of the early writing on kleptomania characterizes compulsive stealing as a type of female hysteria.
When I tell my therapist about aspects of my life I think I should change to be a better mother, wife, or writer I never talk about the stealing — even giving it this name feels overdetermined! And this is how much of modern-day client-centered therapy works. Not only does the emphasis on necessity in the generally accepted definition of kleptomania forget to acknowledge the natural variation covered over by any concept of psychological "normalcy," it also forgets the very subjective nature of the notion of necessity. Kleptomania shows us that we too often privilege property over the mental and emotional well-being of women.
For his part, Stekel favors reports of women stealing pencils, or a scarf after an incident with a cigar. They become like friends to me as I read through their stories, trying to understand my own.
We talk about the gulf we feel growing between us and them, and the unacknowledged work we do in the home. We talk about what we both see as a logical practice, a glue that holds together our way of life. We spend the day together, talking as we walk through supermarkets and department stores, pocketing tiny inificant treasures for ourselves and our family members, giggling to ourselves.
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